Twelve years are the period for the forest life. Not simply twelve days! The journey was getting shortened. Draupadi felt pain and sorrow.
What is this aimless journey for? Years have passed by since they started walking. They had ascended steep hills and descended into the valleys. They had walked to the shallow waters of the forest stream. Sometimes, for days and for hours. There is no end to this journey. Unending journey till the twelve years were over!
No one asked, ‘Draupadi, does it ache you at the feet ?’ Dharmaputra has never paid any attention to her. Bhima is the helper. Nakula and Sahadeva have respect for her even now. How long has she been together with their wife. But still, she has to grieve… how unfortunate she is in marrying the ones who are to be considered as sons. Recently Dharmaputra has a wish. He wants to see Arjuna. The journey is from the southern region to the northern one.
In between, they saw Bhima’s son Ghatotkacha, Hidimbi had given birth. But Ghatotkacha had no resemblance to Bhima. He must be like Hidimbi. He was humble and obedient. When Bhima ordered him to come with us he set out with his friends. They led the way.
During the journey, one day, while she was resting, a sweetly fragrant lotus with a thousand petals, blown by the wind fell beside her. When she expressed her wish to get this flower, immediately Bhima went in search of it. Bhima had always helped and loved her. But why could I not love Bhima, Draupadi regretfully thought. It was after many sacrifices and fights that he finally brought her the fragrant flower.
Not that she did not know Bhima’s desire for her. She had to pretend not to know of it. He alone was the one who always rose his voice for Draupadi, whenever the need occurred. But somehow, she was afraid of getting closer to him. She could not look at his eyes. She felt herself small at his look of intense desire. No, she felt she had sunk deep down in to the earth. Her mind was constantly and instinctively telling her to keep herself away from that huge body. She knew that it would pain him. But as she did not have Hidimbi’s body structure, how could she take hold of him?
As Kuberan had asked to stay in the garden of Gandhamadana where the fragrant flowers blossomed, the Pandavas spent each day waiting for Arjuna. Draupadi was immensely happy about that forest region. Varieties of flowers, fruits, tasty fruits equivalent to Amruthu, the heavenly food, different species of birds, ponds, lotus flowers blooming in the ponds, the beettles intoxicated by sucking honey , the peacocks spreading their feathers…crystal –coloured birds stick to the swans. Everything was a sumptuous feast to the eyes.
Draupadi felt that her mind was desiring for something else. Karna’s face flashed across her mind. Oh, my heart…cast away those thoughts…Then came the bluish black Krishna’s figure…
‘No, Krishna…I have only piety for you—no amour for you.’
Draupadi needed Arjun who first married her . She deliberately ignored Bheema who was with her. But what was desired was not happening. All the happiness which was given by the scenic beauy of Gandhamadana, the birds and streams faded in a fraction of a second. Parthan stopped his journey and came back. But he was unhappy on his coming and after. There was no look of pride of being a brave fighter or archer to adorn his face. Seeing his tired eyes and downcast face, Draupdi thought there was some problem. His broad chest was covered with a cloth. Draupadi wondered why he was covering his body with a cloth. Arjun looked more charming with feminine beauty. If he were a woman, he would be a beautiful woman. Draupadi was concerned about the change in Arjun’s mood.
While Arjun was eulogizing his heroic deeds to his elder and younger brothers, Draupadi was deeply grieved that he was not looking at her even from the corner of his eyes. Disappointment and sorrow oscillated in her. Arjun was blowing his own trumpet by narrating his heroic stories and speaking about his earning unusual gifts through his penance, his staying with the King of a forest, and how a tribal chief taught him some tactics unknown to the people there. During the war the opponent won’t have the skill to cut this crude tactic. He showed one such thing. True, a tactic which hides the sights in front. All the Pandavas said that Dronacharya had not taught them such tactics. Dronacharya does not know this. He doesn’t know the remedy either.
Arjuna said.
“ Elder brother, he knows all of us. He knows our Mother, Father, we their sons. He was very happy when I told him that I was the third son of Mother Kunti and King Pandu . Indescribable joy, he had. Mother and Father had stayed with him. Mother had her delivery there. One more thing. He still keeps a diamond ring Mother had given him.
Yudhishtira brother did not have the good will to listen to the rest of the story and he went away. Without heeding that Arjun continued.
“That tribal chief has a son. But, surprisingly we had close resemblance between us.”
After food, each one went to his own world. Each Pandava might be thinking of his own wife. Draupadi was looking for Arjun. She could not even see him in full. When she went afar she saw Arjun sitting sadly under the tree by the pond. She went near him.
“Why is the victorious and brave Parthan unhhappy ?” Parthan said in a broken voice.
“Draupadi, I’m not Arjun now. Not a brave hero either. I’ve lost my manliness and am a eunuch.! Am I a woman? No. Am I a man? Neither. If it had only been only been a eunuch, I could have acted like a man. If I had only been a woman, I could have lived like a woman. But I’m neither and am terribly pained at heart. If the desires are not satisfied, can a woman be so low?”
“Who are you talking about? Which woman? What’s the matter? Tell me openly.”
Draupadi did not understand anything.
“Draupadi, you should not ask me like this. I’m not in a mental condition to tell it. A man needs manliness. If it is lost, what is the merit? I was cursed by a beautiful woman. That curse is terrible. Very pathetic as well.”
Arjun was about to cry.
“If a woman who is to be considered Mother wanted to fulfill her lust on me! Arjun is not such a mean fellow. When I rejected it, she cursed me. To sing and dance among women and be a eunuch—she spitefully said. If I want to approach anyone with sexual desire, if with a man to be a man, if with a woman to be a woman…she cursed me in this way.” Panchali was shocked.
Draupadi had come to talk with Parthan for some time. But what she heard was heart-breaking words! But she prepared herself to make use of the opportunity.
“All are not Panchali.”
Startingly, Arjun looked at Draupadi.
(Cont’d)
