“Wasn’t it your father who left without any savings?”
The words that struck the heart like sharp arrows!
It’s true. My Pappa had died without leaving anything! Didn’t he leave anything? Some sweet and good memories—can anyone give the price of such things?
A car accident stole both my Pappa and Mummy’s lives the same day!
Two children—without anybody to protect them. My brother and I. I was studying in the second-year degree course. Prasad was in Pre-degree. Roy’s Daddy and our Pappa were intimate friends. Soulmates. We had become family friends. Valsa, Roy’s sister was my close friend too. Prasad and I completed our studies because of Roy’s Daddy’s benevolence.
Wasn’t that the reason for Roy’s occasional dig at me?
“Don’t be so haughty for being a college lecturer. How did you become a college lecturer? If my Daddy were not there to help you, you could see the outcome.”
I have often felt that Roy had much inferiority complex. That must be the reason why he finds it a cruel pleasure to hurt me. Realizing this, however lovingly I approach him, Roy’s response will be bad and unfavourable.
The first two years after our wedding…It was a happy life…But later…
Again, the friends’ circle…He renewed the bad habits he had put an end to; smoking, drinking…His business broke…It was a fall to destruction. He is changing work one after another. His self-esteem did not allow him to receive money from me during this period. He sold some plots to find out money for his expenses.
If Roy’s Daddy were living now…
Daddy died before our marriage. But he died after knowing about our marriage.
One day, after his first heart attack, Daddy sent Roy to bring me home from the YWCA where I was staying.
He asked Valsa and me to sit by his side. Roy was sitting some distance away.
“My children! I don’t have many days to live…”
“Please don’t say like that, Daddy!” Valsa and I said together.
“Anyway, it’s better to think and plan everything. Then I can go peacefully and boldly.”
Daddy halted. No one spoke anything. He cast his glance at Roy and spoke.
“I don’t have any worry about Roy. I have earned enough for him to live on. He need only manage his business well. He lacks a sense of responsibility. Ah… After my death, it will naturally come. He will become responsible. I petted him a little more… to fill up the absence of Amma. I gave him a share of her love too.”
Daddy’s eyes were wet in a painful memory.
“I have one sorrow that he has not studied enough. It was the result of unnecessary friendship and playing truant. I have learned rather late that it would end up in trouble if excessive money is given to children.”
Roy was sitting with his bent head. I felt pity for him.
Daddy continued.
“Never mind. Everything will be alright. If Roy had a good education and a good position, Premi, I would have asked him to marry you.”
Even though Daddy was saying it as a joke with a laugh, I was a little shocked. When my glance moved to Roy not consciously, I thought Roy felt embarrassed. There was wonder and happiness on Valsa’s face!
“I’m worried about you two girls. Your marriages must happen immediately. It cannot be delayed any further. I hope you have no objection.”
“Oh…Daddy, I’ve just joined. Prasad’s studies…”
“Don’t worry about Prasad. That I will take care of. Roy, will you be doing it if I die before it?”
Roy nodded, not yet free from the embarrassment.
“Premi, Mol, I can’t forget your Pappa. So, I will be peaceful only if your wedding also takes place soon.”
Daddy entrusted Roy with the duty of telling good brokers about our suitable partners and advertising in the matrimonial columns on paper.
I noticed that Roy had a sad look on his face. Valsa looked confused.
I stayed there at night as Daddy and Valsa compelled me to. Before going to bed Valsa said:
“Premi! If Roychayan had got a good education and a good job, you would have become my sister-in-law. Hai! It’s so lovely even to imagine such a thing! I started thinking of such a matter only when Daddy spoke about it. So sad! If only Roychayan had studied well without making friends with those who were not serious about studies!”
I did not give any reply. It was as though my thoughts lost their harmony.
The next morning itself I got ready to go to the YWCA. Daddy directed Roy to drop me there. Roy was unusually quiet that time unlike his free talk on earlier occasions. I also felt quite disturbed. My mind was not free as it used to be.
Roy stopped the car a little away from the YWCA gate and opened the back door for me. I got out.
“Shall I go?” after a moment’s hesitation my words scattered.
“Please wait a moment. Just listen to this and go.” He took a piece of paper from his shirt pocket and read it. He had written an advertisement for my marriage.
“Groom Wanted…Marriage proposals are invited from I.A.S Officers, Doctors, Engineers, and College Lecturers for a young and beautiful college lecturer.”
I stood dumbfounded.
“Is this enough? Any change to be made?”
I don’t know why I could not say anything in response. When I looked at Roy, he seemed to close his mouth, though he opened it to say something. I wanted to say, ‘let me go’, but the words simply refused to come out. When I was about to walk to the gate, a call came from behind her.
“Prem…ela!” There was much hesitation in his tone.
When I turned to look at him, there was a strange look on his face that I had never seen before.
“If I had a good education and a good job…” Roy stammered. Were his eyes wet? I stood stunned.
Suddenly, Roy started the car and sped fast. Still, I stood there for some time looking behind the way the car disappeared.
For many days, I felt heavy-hearted. I had to think about so many things. Daddy’s remark… Valsa’s wish…Roy’s…
Friendship, love, obligation…A father-like, large-hearted man who wishes to marry me off at a high level…his illness…his desire…
To become Valsa’s sister-in-law…
Roy to become my husband…
Will I be able to see Roy in that way? This was the thought that disturbed me all those days. I was in a conflict…What was the concept of my future husband? My dreams…? My thoughts got muddled.
A person who loves me and cares for me sincerely… A person I can admire and respect…I have not yet seen Roy in that manner. We were family friends…Valsa’s brother…He was always considerate and loving…he may be caring also. But will I be able to admire and respect him? What is the criterion for it? Education? Or, position?
Are education and position significant that much in life? Love, …isn’t love greater than these? Shouldn’t we consider personal relationships more important and crucial?
Inwardly a severe conflict had been going on incessantly when Valsa’s phone call came one day after a few weeks. Daddy has asked me to reach home immediately.
Why did he want me to reach home immediately? I was anxious. When I reached there, Daddy was lying on the bed. Roy was not there. A heap of letters was on the cot. Though he was fatigued, he looked happy. Valsa’s face was coloured with shyness.
“See… these are the letters we got in response to the matrimonial advertisements. For both of you. You can choose what is best for each of you.” Daddy said.
In most of the replies, there were photos. Valsa opened and started showing me each one, commenting on every photo. I was watching it mechanically without my mind in it.
Daddy pointed to Valsa and said: “She has selected one for her. Similarly, you should also select one for yourself. Go and both of you think seriously about it.”
Valsa was enthusiastically talking. But my mind was shattered. She teased me by showing me each letter that came for me. But I could not join in any kind of humourous talk in a light vein.
That night also, I did not return to the YWCA. Before going to bed after dinner, I said:
“Valsa! I will come after seeing Daddy.”
Daddy looked anxious about seeing me enter his room.
“Daddy, I want to talk to you about a matter.”
“What’s it, Mol!”
Only when Daddy repeated the question, I got the mental calmness to speak out.
“I’ve selected one person for me, Daddy!”
“Whom? That Dr.Philip Thomas?”
“No, Daddy!”
“Then…?”
There was silence on my part.
“Tell me, Mol!”
“Roy”
“Eh? No!” Daddy’s shock was evident.
“What are you saying, Mol? Is it because of what I said that day? No…No…It was only a joke. I said it out of my love for you. Does Roy have a good education? Does he have a proper job?”
“That doesn’t matter, Daddy! Are education and job more important? Isn’t love more important? This house suits me, it is just like my home. I don’t think that I will find this love, harmony, and freedom anywhere else.”
“Still…No…Mol! That should not happen. I won’t allow it to happen. Roy is not at all suitable for you. In no way…You have a good future. I have great expectations of you…more than about Valsa.”
“My merit is only my education and a job, isn’t it? I don’t even deserve it, Daddy! It happened because of your kindness. If you give consent, I like Roy to marry me.”
“When you ask for my consent…. you are just like my daughter, aren’t you? If you are always in this home, I will be definitely overjoyed. But I should not be selfish. I have to think about your future, dear! You should not think that I helped you to complete your education for my selfish interest. You should never sacrifice your life for the sake of obligation.”
“No, Daddy! Not for any obligation. I like Roy.”
“Mol, you go and think deeply about it. Don’t think that life is a game.”
“I know, Daddy! I’ve thought deeply about this matter. I have been thinking about this all these days. I’ve decided. No change is going to happen.”
“But my mind says, ‘No…No’…This should not happen. Roy is my son. But I cannot but say, he doesn’t deserve to get you as a wife.”
“What merit would I have if Daddy’s large-heartedness were not there? My merit is only what you
have earned for me.”
“No, Mol. I knew that you had the potential for it. Roy had wasted his precious time with his gang of friends.”
“That doesn’t matter, Daddy! He will change for the better. I’m sure. I can’t forget this home. The years when our family was friends with this family…when Mummy was also here. I still have many golden memories…”
Daddy’s eyes were wet. He had no words to say.
Only Valsa’s wedding took place before Daddy’s death. But Daddy breathed his last happily, though he was still a little concerned about my marriage with Roy till the last moment.
Didn’t Daddy’s concern turn into a sorrowful experience in my life?
Didn’t all my dreams and expectations shatter?
If only I could have a sound sleep forgetful of everything?
(Cont’d)
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