One day of boredom marched out. The sun which was blazing fire seemed to have a vengeful spirit. The sun-god looked a fiery pot. My prayer was always to the risen sun. Through self- immolation the sun pours light to the world. Then to the Mother of the Universe, Parvati Devi. During the prayer time, an invisible glory used to pervade me. I flowed the grievances of my heart to the source of glory. While I poured the grief and sorrows of my life being made a useless substance, I felt the rays of that glory caressing me. The lips of the rising sun called me ‘Daughter’. Or, was it my hallucination? The rising sun and the setting sun are the embodiments of beauty. But how did Karna get the countenance of the rising sun? Again Karna is stepping into my mind in all glory and majesty.
I’m a wife now. My shadow itself casts a glance of contempt on me. Wife? Whose? Dharmaputra’s? Bhima’s? Or Arjuna’s or Parthan’s? Whose ownership do you have, Panchali? Whom did you marry? Parthan? What is his position? Just the third one about to consume the leftover of the two after their manner of consumption! How can Arjuna become a hero-archer? How could he be a hero- archer as he had the heart to share his own bride among the five? He is only the third one! Then whose wife are you? Isn’t the one whom you married in your heart is your real husband? Oh, my mind, be calm…Don’t rain arrows to my heart like this….Can’t you be tranquil without reminding me of it? Last night—Oh, my God, it was my very first night— I was only a partner for the game of dice. Dharmaputra’s desire was to live only by playing this game of dice. While a woman was blooming in full beauty before him, after spreading the cubes on the dice- board, Yudhishthira wanted to make her a partner in the game. Alas, I was only a piece of dice in his hands that craved for the cubes of gambling. To him my body too was a dice-board. Had he caressed me with love at least once, I would have been happy. Had he called me ‘Sweetheart, my beloved’ at least once , I would have been excited. But he took the parts of my body only as the cubes of the game. He wanted only to win. I felt contempt on him when he withdrew with the satisfaction of having been victorious in the game of dice. Did I not lower myself in extending my body to a gambler!
If it had been Karna whom I met at the temple? The uninvited guest was always tickling my mind. The coolness of the comfort I gained out of this thought was not little. It’s Fate which offers relief in the form of memories in the midst of sorrows. But such memories are so fleeting. The moment the memories are born, they fall dead and wither away. Why did it happen so? Whenever I remember Kunti’s sons, why does Karna come galloping to my mind and replace them all?
The cobweb of thoughts is being spun. Drupada- Princess has become a struggling and writhing prey in the intricate labyrinth! The spider which has already spun the web and waited for the prey, has injected the poison at the very first instant! Very cleverly, without failing in calculation…Hasn’t Parthan realized this evil intention? What’s lost is lost forever. My virginity, purity…I will never get it back. I, Draupadi , am no more a virgin. A woman has lost her value. A grand initiation! What will a person be if he is able to possess everything he wants? Equal to God…God himself! Isn’t Dharmaputra the very God? What he desired for, he got hold of it at the very first by crook or guile. The remnant of his sumptuous meal is left for others to relish…
How will be the next numbered days? Oh, Bhagavan! Be merciful to liberate me from this ordeal of being a woman…. Or, what liberation, what freedom? When I longed for it, it did not happen. If Karna had willed it, I would have got freedom. I, Draupadi would have been free and secure in his hands. A woman longs for the gentle caressing of only one man in her life. There won’t be any place for any other man in her mind. If she happens to desire for it, her man will be equal to a eunuch.
She had the face of the Anga King Karna in her mind. She saw the blue-black shadow of intense sorrow spreading over his golden coloured body. He had looked at me with a broken heart before withdrawing from the scene leaving the bow. The blue flame emanated from the magic performer Krishna spread to Karna’s body as poison. Wearied, dejected, having lost the energy, and staggering, he stood with a downcast heart like a male peacock who has lost his rainbow feathers ! My mind is weeping.
…my eyes are shedding the tears of blood….the blood of my heart… Karna, I’m made for you… I’m yours…Fight and take me from here. Take me away, steal me away… in front of the kings who stand dumbfounded in the showers of arrows…If Krishna can take away Rugmi’s sister, you can take away Drushtadyumnan’s sister.
What remained is only the cry in vain of my heart. One thing is sure. Father and Brother did not value Draupadi’s happiness. When Drupada-King organized a contest for his beautiful daughter, it was not for a man born in a noble dynasty. If one wants to get into friendship , he should think with logic and decide with intellect, see for himself, get information from others and wise people. Relations should be selected only after this. My brother wanted a hero-archer for me. Sister Shikhandi wanted to humiliate Anga-King whom she hated, and she shattered all my dreams. Draupadi never felt any displeasure to Anga-King who was humiliated with the name of the son of the charioteer. On the contrary, she felt only pity for him. His physique was suggestive of manliness and his look was commanding . He had no brothers to share his wife with. Only Arjuna can become Arjuna like this. She waited timidly for the Second One’s night…
(Cont’d)
