Got a letter from Valsa. I remembered that I had not replied to her two or three letters. She has written this letter worried about this.
“Premi! Why don’t you write? Do you know how much I am worried about you? Are you remaining sad? Alas! I can’t bear the thought that I’m also responsible for making your life hell-like. Is Roychayan still treating you badly and cruelly? I am sad to think that Roychayan is incapable of knowing your merit. What shall I do? Speak out. I don’t have any peace of mind whenever I think of you. A terrible prick of conscience torments me! I’m saddened by the thought that I too had a role to devastate your life. You should write about everything openly. I pray daily for making Roychayan sensible.”
Valsa’s letter went on in this line. I don’t write as I haven’t any peace of mind and happiness. What should I write when I am preoccupied with sorrow that burns into flames? And of all the people to Valsa? Even otherwise, how can I write about these things? I may feel disgraced in the process! What can Valsa do in this case? Will she be able to make a permanent change in Roy? Not possible.
Valsa is pricked by guilty conscience! I cannot blame anybody. My fault! The word Daddy unknowingly uttered became a reason for it. That’s all. I alone am responsible. Didn’t Daddy and Valsa try to pull me back from this? What was that Daddy said?
“Dearie! You are young. You may have such thoughts at this young age. Here is no question of commitment. You can choose anybody you like as your husband. I didn’t seek anything selfish in educating you and Prasad. I don’t expect any return from it. I cannot become so cheap like that. You will get an eligible bachelor in all respects. Roy won’t be a perfect or even the right match for you. He has not yet known about it. So you should withdraw from your decision.”
And what did Valsa say? “Premi, I will be the happiest person to have you as my sister-in-law. But NO; don’t do that. If I were in your position, I would never accept a person like Roychayan. You have got a bright future. Don’t spoil it.”
But, what did I feel about it? Aren’t human relations greater than degrees and money? Isn’t love greater than everything? Do I have any special quality? What is the defect in Roy? If in my perspective, I don’t find any defect in Roy, what if anybody else finds something wrong about Roy?
I thought about the happiness that would get reflected on Roy’s face once he came to know of this. To make a sad person happy—isn’t that a great thing?
But….when Alex, Simon, Raveendran, Mathew George Sir and others expressed their love towards me, why didn’t I feel any sympathy towards them? Why didn’t their sorrow touch my heart at all? If Daddy had not spoken about Roy becoming my husband, would I have thought in this line? No idea1 I had not yet got over the impact of both my parents’ death. As soon as my studies were over, I got the job. I was too anxious about finishing Prasad’s studies.
It was impossible to repay the debt I owed to Daddy through any verbal gratitude or deed for taking us to the shore from amidst the ocean. Valsa’s love,co-operation, and companionship. Roy’s compassion. I had experienced all these vital emotions from those dear ones. There was not any other house where I could feel absolutely cosy and homely.
Finally, when Daddy found that I would not change my decision, it was Daddy himself who told Roy about the matter. The next day was a Saturday. When Sosamma Kochamma, the Secretary came and informed me that I had a visitor, I went to the parlour wondering who the visitor would be.
Roy!
Suddenly, I felt my whole body getting cool vibrations. When he saw me he stood up and came to me. He looked into my eyes. My eyes lowered. After the eloquence of a few silent moments, he called me.
“Premela!”
When I lifted my head, again the same look…looking into the depth of my heart.
“It is incredible to me. Can I believe it? Is it true?”
I nodded. The next moment my hands were in Roy’s hands.
“ I can’t believe it. Is it out of sympathy for me…or…?”
I smiled as I found no words to say.
Roy’s face blossomed fully in joy. His eyes were flooded with tears of joy! It seemed Roy became highly overwhelmed. He did not talk much and left bidding bye to me. He came again the next day.
He asked me to sit with him in the parlour. There was an unusual look of seriousness on his face.
“Premela! Tell me the truth. What is the reason for deciding this?”
“I don’t know why…”
“Out of sympathy for me? In a weak moment, I revealed my mind. Now I feel that I ought not to have done it. Didn’t Premela take this kind of a decision out of sympathy for me?”
“Sympathy is just one matter.”
“Then what else? Is this a sacrifice?”
“No, Never!”
“Then what…?”
“Love!”
My response reddened Roy’s face. After a few moments of silence…
“What is there in me to love me?” I don’t have a good job. I don’t have proper education or a degree. Anything worth in me?”
“ I trust that you have a good heart.”
Roy spoke nothing then.
“Premela should think more about it.”
“ I don’t have anything more to think about. I have already thought well about it.”
“Roy’s eyes brightened.
“Did Daddy or Valsa ever ask you?”
“No.”
“Do you ever feel any regret over it?”
“Not at all.”
Roy covered his hands on mine.
“I’m lucky, Premi! There won’t be anybody in the world as fortunate as I am!”
His innocent childlike happiness touched my heart deeply.
That day too, Roy had left as though from a dream world. When he came again after two days, he had the joy of a little child.
“I struggled hard not to come yesterday. I was trying to control myself.” So saying he made me sit beside him.
“Daddy and Valsa had forbidden me to come to you every day. What should I do, Premi?”
“True. Better not to come very often. The Secretary may not like it.”
“So, Premi, you don’t feel sad if you don’t see me, do you?”
“Not that. We should mind others as well.”
Anyway, from that day onwards, Roy used to come only on weekends. Occasionally we would talk over the phone.
Valsa’s wedding took place. Daddy was in a haste to conduct her wedding. The groom, Suresh, was an engineer in Bombay. Why did Daddy postpone our wedding? I remember Daddy saying once.
“Premi! I’m giving you more time. You should reconsider your decision.”
I don’t know what all things he imagined out. Was he apprehensive about my marriage with Roy?
Anyway, I had no intention to get married soon. I thought of waiting till Prasad’s education was over. One more year, then his MSc course would be over.
Valsa and her husband left for Bombay. Valsa broke into a cry on parting. Her worry was concerning Daddy. Who would look after Daddy? She had compelled Daddy to conduct Roychayan’s wedding also along with hers. Somehow, he did not comply. What he said was this: “ Let him be more mature. We can conduct his marriage after that. Even now he has no sense of responsibility.”
“In that case, who will look after Daddy?” Valsa was deeply concerned about Daddy.
“It’s okay. I’m alright. Am I bedridden? I need only take rest. If anything is needed, isn’t Premi here?”
Only six months after Valsa left. Unexpectedly Roy came to my college in his car. When I was called from my class I found Roy looking bewildered.
“What is the matter, Roy? What happened?”
“Daddy is not well. He is admitted to the hospital.”
Daddy was in the intensive care unit. My heart twirled. Roy was completely shattered.
I don’t know who all came to look after. Roy and I waited in the corridor feeling deeply worried. We could see Daddy through the small mirror in the ICU. An oxygen tube was fitted to make him breathe easily. The machine that translated the heartbeats…I felt an inner fear as I was looking at Daddy.
Daddy’s health slightly improved on the fourth day. He demanded to see Roy and me. He took our hands in his arms and exchanged his glances at us. Two channels of tears from the corners of his eyes flowed. Daddy said nothing. But his silence was eloquent.
What did Daddy say in silence? May you have comfort and happiness.
Or, was it deep concern or anxiety?
Valsa and Suresh came that evening. Daddy breathed his last the next day.
People parted after Daddy’s funeral. Roy looked like a corpse. Valsa was utterly broken.
Prasad and I stayed there. Roy’s Aunt and a few others also stayed back.
After two weeks Valsa and Suresh went back. Till her return, we had stayed there. I was on leave for two weeks.
I decided to return to YWCA in the evening after Valsa left. Prasad would be returning to his hostel.
Roy was remaining alone inside his room. I came near Roy’s room in the evening to tell him about our return. Roy was lying on the cot on his back. I doubted whether he was sleeping. How to go without telling him? After some hesitation, I called him in a low tone.
“Roy!”
He heard my second calling. He lay straight. Seeing me he sat up. I didn’t know what to do. Finally, I murmured:
“Shall I go?”
Suddenly he covered his face with his hands and like a small child he sobbed.
I felt embarrassed. I didn’t know what to do. But I couldn’t bear his crying. I came near him and placed my hands on his shoulders. At some point, Roy took my hands and placed them on his cheeks and eyes. With a sob, his words fell shattered.
“Premi! I don’t have anybody. I don’t have anyone.”
How should I comfort him? I couldn’t remember any words to comfort him.
Roy stood up.
“Daddy left. Valsa left. And now, you too will go, won’t you Premi?”
I shuddered at the thought.
The sorrow of an orphan shadowed his face when he put both his hands on my shoulders and repeated the question looking into my eyes.
“Will you leave me alone, Premi?”
“No. Where can I go? I won’t have any life without Roy.”
But Roy had always that fear. That I would forsake him. He had asked me the same question several times after Daddy’s death.
It was clear that Roy had suffered horrible loneliness during those days. He told me that he had been reluctant to go home. Who is there for him? No Daddy—No Valsa…Only a manservant and maidservant.
“I’m fed up, Premi! I don’t feel like doing anything. I‘m afraid, I would go mad.” He would say sometimes.
Finally, one day Roy said: “ I think, I should go somewhere. I’m fed up.”
“Roy! Can you go leaving your business?”
“I cannot concentrate on anything. I’m completely shattered. I’m not interested in proceeding with the business.”
What to do? I felt that something should be done immediately. Roy was completely broken. I cannot simply stand without doing something.
Eight months have passed since Daddy’s departure. I had thought of delaying our wedding for some more time. But when I thought of Roy’s condition…If I postpone it, Roy might be no more. I thought that I alone could do something and save Roy. It was the only solution.
“Roy! Let’s have our wedding.”
Roy was stunned as though he had heard something unbelievable.
The wedding took place in no time. Without any romantic colour or fervour.
The change in Roy after the wedding was amazing. The enthusiasm of small children! Excitement without any artificiality.
It was a new experience for me as well. The joy in getting somebody as one’s own, and giving somebody as one’s own.
Those two years were years of superb happiness.
After that…
His friends who had stayed away from him for an interval came to him. He started spending money and time on dinner parties where liquor was served. He lost his interest in the business. Business scooped down to a loss.
There was a considerable change in Roy’s nature also. He became rough and coarse in his behaviour. His words became hard. He interpreted my words and deeds in the wrong terms. Newer layers of meaning were attributed. The only comfort was the letters from Prasad and Valsa. But their happiness was overshadowed by the thoughts of me.
Now Valsa is aksing me…What should she do? Would she be able to do anything?
(Cont’d)
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