I could not free myself from the shock I got however hard I tried. That incident continued to flash in my memory. The more I recalled, I felt, the more my self-control was being drained away.
But I never expected this from Roy. Though he had the nature of getting angry and breaking into fury, I never thought he would dare to attempt it.
I felt ashamed even to recall the incident. How could Roy degrade himself like this? The shock that got on me…
Last night…
I was in a sound sleep. I woke up hearing a sudden call.
“Kochamma! Kochamma!” I was shocked into a wake when the bewildered voice of Santha my maid, hit hard on my ears.
Santha was panting deeply. She had found it difficult to say something.
“What happened Santha? What happened?” I asked bewildered. I suspected that she got frightened seeing a thief breaking in or so.
“Sir…” She paused taking short quick breaths, unable to proceed further. Suddenly I noticed. Roy was not in our bed.
How shocking it was! I understood the situation but was unable to utter a single word.
When Roy came out of Santha’s room, I felt he had a look of embarrassment. But he came to bed as though nothing unusual happened.
I could not move at all. Waves of mixed emotions were rising within me. I hardly remember how much I cried sitting on the chair in the next room. That unpleasant memory went on burning me.
I felt that it was humiliating to lie on that bed. A sense of betrayal. With a man like this…
The next day I couldn’t go to college. I didn’t ask Santha anything. But she told me the matter. Roy sir had tried several times earlier to tempt her by offering gifts. But she had not yielded to such attempts. Last night, it was when he came and held her that she broke from his arms and ran to me.
“I did not tell you about such things, not to make you unhappy. But I couldn’t but say it last night.” She sounded guilty.
Nothing happened! But didn’t Roy attempt on it? As Santha was a sincere person, nothing untoward happened. Suppose she had succumbed…That drama would have continued without my knowledge.
That attempt itself is a self-deceit, isn’t it? I had never considered Roy as that type of person. I had trusted him completely.
Nothing happened here. But it might have happened somewhere else. There might be secrets I had not yet known.
I felt I was being humiliated…becoming so small … What a disgrace! How could Roy become so uncultured? For the first time, I felt contempt towards Roy.
But his attitude after that incident…I felt it more unbearable. Nothing happened here. What is wrong even if something happened.… That attitude was seen in him. I could not bear it.
Isn’t it humiliation to the wife in me? I could not but shatter in the high tides of mixed feelings.
I was mentally broke. I couldn’t concentrate on anything. I did not feel any interest or enthusiasm in taking care of Mon and going to college.
I lay in the same dispirited mood. I was more upset as I could not find any trace of guilty feelings in Roy. I felt as though he was enjoying the pride of taking an act of revenge on me.
I wished in vain if I had somebody to share my grief with me.
I sent a request for one week’s medical leave. My mind was disturbed. I didn’t feel like facing or talking to anyone. Many may ask for the reasons for the leave. What should I tell them?
I wish nobody visited me…Now I only want to hide in my shell.
I felt completely fatigued. Both in body and mind. I did not feel any interest in anything. I wandered into my worthless thoughts, having no enthusiasm and energy for any act.
On the second day of my absence from college, Mrs.David, Mrs. Kurian, and Leela Nair came home to know about the reason for my absence. I felt confused initially as to what to tell them. Then I told them a lie.
“ I felt like fainting. Completely fatigued.”
“Didn’t you consult the doctor?”
“No. I thought I would get cured after a few days’ rest.”
“Why…Is it something else?” Mrs.David asked meaningfully, with a look at others. All laughed. I also joined their laughter, though a flame of sorrow rose within me at that moment.
“Oh…It’s not that.”
“ In that case, you should not postpone the visit to a doctor. Let him find out the reason for your fatigue.”
No need to consult a doctor. The disease is not in the body but in the mind. How can I tell them this on the face?
When they repeated the need to visit a doctor, I said,
“Let it be tomorrow. I will see the doctor.”
“ Why should you postpone to tomorrow? Where’s Roy? It’s better to see the doctor today itself.”
“Roy is not here.”
“ In that case, we will take you to the hospital.”
“ No..no…Let Roy come.” I wanted to put a veil on my expression; So I gave that excuse.
Roy came while they were about to leave.
“ Oh…Roy has come…” Mrs. David started talking with the authority of her age. “See. Don’t take Premela’s sickness as silly. You should take her to the doctor.” A pale smile on Roy’s lips. He nodded his head. After they left…
“What is this? Is it a rare happening in the world? Men are like that. Nothing has happened, has it? What if anything happened? This type and more than this may repeat.” Saying so he got in.
All men are like this…. My desire to have my husband a few steps ahead and different in dignity turned out to be fallacious. A foolish hope.
As though, there is no reason to be surprised and depressed about this incident. Very natural. Nothing unnatural over it. Something more than this can also happen! Then there is no need for a guilty conscience!
What have I expected? Roy would come to me and say ‘Sorry’? He would say, ‘Forget about it; I won’t repeat it. Alas! What a fool I am!
Santha came and compelled me to eat or drink something. I did not feel like doing it.
My tiredness increased further and further. Mental ill health affects physical health too. Finally, I had to see the doctor. I was hospitalised too and given an intravenous drip. Santha had taken care of me. Roy would come once a day and go immediately. The co-operation of my colleagues—that cannot be forgotten. They might have guessed certain things. Roy’s absence might have made them suspect. Thomas Abraham Sir would, as typically of him, crack jokes and make everybody cheerful. But I was touched by Prakash’s expression. Most of the time, he was a listener, mechanically responding to Thomas Abraham Sir’s jokes. When he was about to leave, he came close to me and said in a hearteningly low voice: “ Be happy!”
Five days! It seemed five Ages! I did not feel like going back home. Then where to go? If only I had died…But Vinod Mon…If only I had mental peace…Oh my God! I prayed. But I could not pray with concentration. I longed to have a speck of light in the darkness that had stood enveloping my heart.
(Cont’d)
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