It has been just since my discharge from the hospital. Prasasd’s letter came. A scholarship for my higher studies is granted. The VISA will be ready within three months.
I have never experienced such a relief ever before. I need a change. I must go. After a few months of separation, there may come some change in Roy’s nature, I hope.
An escape is inevitable.
When Roy came I showed him Prasad’s letter. He did not make any comments.
“Roy, do you have any objection to my going?” He kept mum.
I wanted to tell him everything to clear his doubts and suspicions. To settle all misgivings. Where to begin? There’s no meaning in leading a life like this. Especially, after that incident. I was convinced of Roy’s indifference during my hospitalization. What is the meaning of a relation lost forever?
Later one day—When I asked him, “Roy, Shall I go?”, he answered immediately: “Go…go…You can go anywhere you like. But you should never come back. You mind your business… I will mind mine.”
“Isn’t it because of it that I am forced to go? We don’t have a single matter of concern for both of us. If Roy is interested, I will get a VISA for you.”
“ No, no, no…Never! Am I a dog to come after you wagging its tail? Go and enjoy yourself. Let me see, whether I can get another woman for me.”
I shocked. Oh, Roy’s desire is in that way! I have become nobody to Roy. Staying away from him has become a necessity for him. My thoughts were stranded.
“We will do one thing. “ Roy spoke loudly. “You go after filing a divorce case. Then it will be very convenient for both of us. You can also find out somebody from there.”
I shuddered. Never had I thought about a divorce before. I only wanted a temporary relief. I believed in vain that Roy would understand life better once we parted for a while and it might lead to a new life. But Roy had gone beyond it. I had to say something.
“ I have no intention to file such a case. But if Roy finds me a burden, I won’t be coming back. You need another woman. Let it happen.”
When I said that much, my voice broke and my eyes were flooded.
“Yes…Yes. It will happen. What did you think? I would become a sanyasi if you were not here! That’s fine. A joke!”
My heart was hurt bitterly. Why…Roy hadn’t said anything with love though I had revealed my heart to him!
He could have said…Let it go…Forget everything…Premi! You need not go anywhere. We can live here happily. I won’t hurt you in future….Had he said this, I foolishly thought.
“Premi!” How long since Roy called me endearingly like this!
I am ready to make any sacrifice for the sake of love. But does sacrifice have any relevance when there’s no love? Who will gain out of it?
There was happening a tug of war in my mind. The conflict between my role—my obligation as a wife and my desire to escape. To go or not to go. Prasad was giving me confidence and strength on the other side through his letters.
The same kind of indifference was noticed in Roy in the following days. He spent his time in company with his friends, drinking and frequenting clubs and bars. I felt again that Vinod Mon and I were being isolated again.
VISA was ready. I took leave for five years from college. There was a send-off party from the department convened with much affection. I became emotional when I partook in the meeting. I felt like crying when I thought that I was bidding farewell to the educational institution that had gifted me with so many blessed occasions. My colleagues were also sad. But I was going off for a good cause! I would be coming back after five years. They wished me quite sincerely.
When I went past the college gate, a sense of bewilderment rose within me.
Will I ever come back?
The day I first joined the college…. I came with Roy and Daddy. The great man who entrusted me with Principal and Professor like his own daughter!
If Daddy had been alive now…
Then nothing of this kind would have happened. Daddy would have been a stalwart supporting me. Daddy would have had some control over Roy.
Now Roy has nobody to fear about.
Why should I remember all these things? I stand here at the crossroads carrying the burden of my foolish dreams…
I don’t have a sense of direction…Which way shall I proceed? Nothing is clear…I don’t know which road to choose…what will be my destination….
I had written to Valsa. Got her reply also. She had written separately to Roy. What must have she written to him?
I may be able to see her at Bombay Airport before I board the US flight.
I got everything ready for the journey. As I was taking Vinod Mon with me, he was highly excited. It had always been his dream to go to Prasad Uncle by airplane!
Santha is going away. A male worker was employed in her place.
But while I was waiting for the day of the journey, I did not feel any excitement. A kind of frozen feeling had enveloped me.
(Cont’d)
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