While I was fastening my seat belt in the aircraft, I reflected. My return journey was starting. I got into this Airport with a heavy heart four years back. Today during my return journey also, I feel heavy-hearted. Vinod has changed a lot. He was highly excited and enthusiastic during the flight years back. Now there is no enthusiasm in him; nor any excitement. He does not even utter a single word.
I felt a queer unpleasantness.
I had hoped that I would be going to my home country someday. But I never thought it would be in this manner.
The letter I had been waiting for weeks, months, and years, finally reached me. Roy’s letter. But it did not contain the news I expected. The contents of the letter were enough to break my heart.
I recollected.
What a strange feeling I experienced when I read Roy’s letter. The letter trembled in my hand. I felt like fainting. I sat down on the sofa thoroughly fatigued. I sat with my closed eyes.
Prasad and Shalu came quickly to me.
“What is the matter, Chechy? What happened?”
Shalu sprinkled water on my face.
I came back to my senses. All things came vividly to my mind. I sat sobbing hard.
Prasad took the letter from my hand and read it. Shalu’s eyes too roamed along the lines. On reading it she exclaimed loudly: “Oh, my God!”
Vinod did not quite understand what was happening. Something bad had happened to Mummy, he felt.
“What’s the matter, Mummy?” he asked in a bewildering tone. I embraced him and burst into crying.
It was Roy’s letter. Valsa’s writing was on the envelope. I had opened the letter thinking it was Valsa’s. At a single glance, I could see that the writing inside was Roy’s. Shapeless letters. With accelerated beats of my heart, I started reading.
“My Premi,
I know I do not deserve to call you ‘My Premi…” Still, I am addressing you with these words. How long since I called you by the name ‘Premi’? I hardly remember. I am a sinner. Will you forgive me? How much did I make you miserable? I had experienced a kind of cruel pleasure in torturing you.
Why did I make you unhappy? I do not know. Premi, I was mad. I could not understand your greatness. I did not have the sight to see your tears. Drinking made me blind. My heart got hardened. You were very much dear to me. You are still my sweetheart. But some weird thoughts got into my mind. They made me do things I never thought of. I did all bad things to you. I thought I never deserved you. That thought made me feel inferior to you. We were not matching in eligibility or position. I was not equal to you. It went on piercing my mind. Then my business flopped. I do not know what all things happened after that. Please forgive me. Pardon me for all the wrongs I did to you.
Will you forgive me, Premi? I know, you cannot forgive me. Still, I beg for your forgiveness.
Where is our Mon? Is he smart/ I could not even behave to him properly. I was cruel and a villain.
Now I will tell you the truth. I am sick now. Liver Cirrhosis. I am dying inch by inch. The punishment for my sins! I do not want to make either you or our son partners in this sin on me. You be happy, free, and enjoy yourselves. But I have a last wish. I want to see you and our son once only once. I want to seek forgiveness straight from you. I want to talk to you with love at least for once. Only then I would be peaceful. But I will not compel you. I do not have any right to it. If you can, please do come, see me, and go back. If you do not feel like coming, do not do it.
My hands are trembling. I write this letter with great effort.
I wish all the best to you and our Mon.
With love,
Roy
I could not control myself. Roy has caught Liver Cirrhosis! The shocking truth stared at me.
The fall of a life!
Was I responsible for it? What might have been his life after my parting? It was an unbridled life!
I do not know how much I wept. In the silent moments after the revelation of the bitter truth, I experienced the restlessness that spread to my heart.
Prasad himself broke the silence.
“Chechy, do you feel like going?”
I assented. Vinod was reluctant. Even when we reached the airport, he went on saying not to go.
He was sad and reluctant to part from Anumol Prasad’s two-year-old daughter. The birth of Anumol was an unforgettable episode that happened in these four years. The arrival of the little ‘guest’ was with sowing the seeds of happiness in everybody’s heart. I had taken care of Shalu and the baby. Prasad was always ready and alert to extend his help. Mon’s happiness knew no bounds. It seemed the birth of a baby girl compensated my lacking a daughter for myself.
On the way, Prasad tried to pacify Vinod mon with one or another thing.
“Vinod mon, you go with Mummy, see your Pappa, and come back soon. Ok?”
I thought I was alone even in the middle of the hustle and bustle of the airport. I was imprisoned in my lost dreams. Forgetting myself. Prasad came and touched my shoulder. He whispered in my ear what he had said a thousand times.
“Chechy, Pls tell me that you will come back.”
I did not say anything in response. My heart was burning.
When the security check was announced I loosened Mon’s hands from Prasad’s. Prasad’s eyes were flooded. Shalu’s also. Anumol stared at each other without comprehending anything. When I stood up after kissing her, tears rolled down my eyes. When I stood up wiping my tears, I looked into Jim Johnson. He handed a beautiful bouquet over to me and said: “I made this specially for you with my own hands.” When I got it from him my hands shivered.
His voice flowed to my ears like a soothing piece of music.
“Hope you will come back.”
I did not give him any reply. From beyond the veil of tears, I saw it…the ice had melted in Jim’s eyes too.
We boarded the flight after an emotional seeing-off. I felt that all the parting on this earth was temporary. Far away, as the countdown had started, was my beloved getting prepared for an eternal parting?
The flight took off. It must be flying in the limitless sky like a big bird. Had it flown and turned and turned in circles… Had the journey never ended…
What was the use then? Who gets benefits by circling without any aim?
My heart! Can you pacify yourself? You must witness a death bed too. You must face another ordeal…
Is there anything we can depend on in this life? Some fulfilment of our desires and some disillusionments…We don’t get any lasting peace in anything in this life. Not in anything.
Bitter experiences may be for maturing our minds. Perhaps to make our minds grow beyond these trials. Do these have any aim? Any destination? Won’t there be?
What is not completed here, gets completed in the life after death. Just like Browning’s lines. All the semi-circles in this life will become full circles in eternal life. Is it true? Or else, what is the significance of life on the earth?
These experiences must be the touchstones of the mind. Will not a pure heart a permanent recognition?
What is the polar star that gives light to just one step ahead? Which is the beacon of light to the one who struggles to swim across a deep sea?
What is the eternal source of peace that flashes fleetingly in my mind amid trials and tribulations?
Where is it?
While the aircraft was flying to the destination amid the clusters of clouds, my mind was searching for it.
(The end)
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