Sorrows of the Family
The farther we are from the life we lived in the past, the more the memories start haunting us of the incidents we went through, the persons we were with us, and such other thoughts. Our joy doubles when we recollect the good old days in company with our beloved ones who share our memories. It is said that our grief is halved on sharing. But, our sorrow increases at the realization of the bitter truth that some of our dear ones are no more here to share our memories with. They were also the actors who acted with us in the bygone days, but are no more. So, when I take account of the past, I feel deeply grieved about the absence of my beloved Appachen, Ammachy, my eldest brother Joychayan, and Babu the brother who was just elder to me. Also of Annamma Kochamma, my eldest sister-in-law, and Johnychayan, my eldest brother-in-law who would’ve enjoyed sharing our memories. This is life. It doesn’t wait for any one or anybody. It just comes and goes away. It is a journey with many halts at different stages. Some get in and some step out. It is just like a river that flows along without any obstruction. Individually, there may be breaks. Inspite of the stops, the journey moves undeterred.
The Bible says , “Man is like a breath;
His days are like a fleeting shadow. (Psalm 144:4)”
” T is all a chequerboard of Nights and Days
Where destiny with men for pieces plays
Hither and thither moves, and mates, and slays
And one by one back in the closet lays.”
Omar Khayyam mused.
“Life’s a walking shadow, a poor player,
That struts and frets its hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more
It is a tale told by an idiot
Full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”
Shakespeare makes Macbeth pronounce this judgment on life.
“We are such stuff as dreams are made on
And our little life is rounded with a sleep.”
Prospero speaks philosophically in The Tempest. Again from Shakespeare,
“As flies to wanton boys are we to gods
They kill us for their sport.”
Who has said,
“Tell me not in mournful numbers, Life is but an empty dream?”
Quotes lie umpteen around us. What is my philosophy of life?
I ’m not pessimistic. An inner voice tells me not to entertain a gloomy philosophy. “The lot is cast into the lap,/ but its every decision is from the Lord.”(Proverbs 16:33) Each of us gets each one’s lots. The alignment is God’s work.
My father was highly optimistic. “Everything is for the best!” It was his maxim. Appachen was a healthy person except for the last forty days when he was bed-ridden following a cerebellar hemorrhage. Though he was not equipped with paddy agriculture as he started working at the Kannan Devan Tea Estate when he was only twenty years old, he gradually got interested in it after his retirement, and once he started getting involved in the work, he was happy and contented. I have already stated that it was a streak in his family to be contented always. He never looked worried although he had to go through several toils and hardships. He breathed his last on 20th January 1993 when he was 83 years old. Ammachy had a longer life. She lived up to 99 till May 26th, 2011. Had she lived till September 1st, as it was her birth date, she would have completed a century of living on this planet. I have written in detail about Appachen and Ammachy. So, I am not venturing on more.
I wanted to publish this book of memoirs when all my siblings were alive. But it didn’t work out. I lost my eldest brother Joychayan in 2013, his wife Annamma Kochamma, and my brother just senior to me, Babu or Kuriakose in 2018. Recently on 30th January 2022, Johnychayan passed away. Babu had a wonderful memory power and I had wanted to ask him about our family and Munnar days. I had wanted to ask Joychayan also about many things. He, being the eldest had more memories of incidents and situations than the other siblings had. When people pass away, we regret in vain that we could have interacted with them more.
When all are here, we frantically run about our own business and keep many things apart and postpone them with the thought that we will do it later. Very often I have heard people say during funerals of the near and the dear ones, “I could have visited him or her on the death bed; we could have listened to their talk when they were ailing; I could have seen him or her once more etc.” No use in regretting. At the God-given appointed time, they part from us!
Joychayan’s favourite topic was horse riding. Though he was usually taciturn, he was most eloquent when somebody asked him about horses or horse riding. The reason was that he was the Captain of the Riding Club at Aligarh Muslim University when he was a student of MSc Bio-Chemistry there. He might have got this admiration for horse riding from the Europeans’ habit of riding horses in Munnar. Some element of heroism is attached to it. During his younger days, he had made use of the opportunities in riding the horses in the Estates at Gundumala and Silent Valley where Appachen was the Estate Conductor. Though his ambition had been to become a medical doctor, somehow because of certain circumstances it did not materialize. Then he took Bio-Chemistry as his Main subject and he did both BSc and MSc at Aligarh Muslim University. He was excited about his course and got top marks for BSc.
That was a time when Kerala did not know anything about the relevance of Bio-Chemistry at all. For MSc also he did excellently, but unfortunately, he did not get the top marks he expected. He had done his practical examinations very well. We do not know what came in the way and suspect some malpractice. Though he had started his work for PhD when he was in Kottayam Medical College as a Tutor, somehow, he could not finish it either. All through his life, he was sad about losing the career of his passion. Back in Kerala, he had got the first and the only job he applied for at the Kottayam Medical College as a Tutor. Later he was posted as a Bio-Chemist in the hospital and continued in that profession till his retirement. The one thing he fondly remembered was his Riding Club memories. Till his death, he had entertained the idea of starting a Riding Club in Kottayam.
But all discouraged him, considering it as a Utopian ideal. He had made many plans for it. Nothing came out. We are indeed sad about his lost dreams. But, he was faithful and dedicated in his work and he was known for his meticulous precision regarding lab tests. He devoted extra time to finish his work each day even after his subordinates left. He had not lost his passion for studying untill his last. He had written and kept a great amount of materials and notes of his study. Even in school, he was a topper. He was a real genius, but he could not reach the expected heights when people below average ascended to greater heights. Another thing he enjoyed, was narrating some anecdotes of the past, some real happenings, some blunders, some humorous remarks about his nephews, his children, etc. What was surprising was his memory of the past events. He was a hero to his nephews and nieces. He was respected and loved for his genuine love and care for them. He used to bring several delicacies for the children.
He enjoyed playing cards. It was a pastime even when we were in Munnar. Appachen and Joychayan were expert players. I can never forget the occasions when we played cards during the summer vacation at Puthenangady. 56 or Support was our favourite game. We played it with two packs of two each in each category. Diamonds, Spade, Clubs, and Hearts. Jack, Ace(A), 9, 10, 8,7, 6, King and Queen. Of these, Jacks are of the highest value, but Kings and Queens have no value at all. The same is the case with 8, 7, and 6. However, they will be useful as ‘soldiers’ to cut the opposing party’s card if it comes in the ‘family’ of the Trump Card. It is a game of cards we play, revealing or declaring all our strength or potential by way of cards. For eg., Jack is of the highest value and naturally, the most covetable part of the game is securing one or two Jacks. When I was small, my ‘business’ was holding the ‘base’ of Appachen’s team in the Estate Club. Among them, I was most fond of the Joker cards. By the time we were in Puthenangady, I had learned the art of playing cards. 4, 6, or 8 persons could play at a time. I was also on the team. Not bad either.
I remember, Annamma Kochamma, Joychayan’s wife, and Babu, my husband, also learned to play that time. The new learners used to commit blunders during the game. Annamma Kochamma, though clever at many other things, committed many foul steps. She often, asked, “Is it my turn? What should I put?” We made fun of her. Joychayan was a ‘big thief’ in the play. He would claim to have more strengths than he had. For eg. for Jack 2, etc. When he announced many number values, those of his team would put the cards boldly. If the team members got the idea from his call that he had two Jacks, they would not be frightened of an attack or a cut from the enemy from the opposite team without a card of higher value.
So, we confidently put the cards of lower value and one of the opposing members would possess all the cards with the Jack we expected to be with Joychayan. Joychayan would simply give one of his typical sly smiles or his characteristic chuckle. I’ve forgotten many of the rules of the game now. He was very quiet and not usually communicative except when horses or anecdotes came on the way. At the same time, he was a person who wanted to maintain a relationship with friends and relatives. Everybody loved him, though he did not have many close friends. He was very generous also. When he was happy, he smiled that typical shy smile. He must have imbibed that characteristic from Appachen. Joychayan was a great dreamer. Never materialistic. He was a generous person and helped many in need. He had a close associate in the neighbourhood, Gopalan. Gopalan was there as a shadow to him all through his life till Gopalan’s early death. A memorable period was when Joychayan was hospitalized following the bike accident. We saw another trait in him during the six months of his post-operational days in the hospital and later at home. His endurance was praiseworthy. The doctors admired his patience and said “he was a rare patient who never complained.“ TA/DA and such talk was never heard from him. NEVER! He was far above such things. He was large-hearted; never petty!
When Annamma Kochamma got sick and had to undergo the transplantation of the heart valve, he handled it single-handedly and his timely action saved her at that time. Even during the most crucial crisis in his life, during his fatal illness, he never complained, never wanting to prolong his life through medication. He endured all the pain he had. He did not tell anybody about it. Silently did he pass away….
Another loss in the family was the sudden demise of my eldest sister-in-law, Annamma Kochamma. She belonged to Kothamangalam and she retired as a Professor and Head of the Department of Chemistry at Mar Athanasius College, Kothamangalam. I was in my Pre Degree class when Joychayan’s marriage took place. I remember the excitement, we all, the siblings had during and after their marriage. We happily welcomed the new member into our family! She was very intelligent. She had her BSc at Maharajas’s College, Ernakulam, and MSc at St.John’s College, Agra. She was an avid reader. She read the Readers’ Digest, other magazines, and books regularly. I also remember the debate developed between the husband and the wife on the importance of Bio-Chemistry and Chemistry. We showed our ‘loyalty’ in siding with our brother. I can’t still believe that she is no more. Her passing away was so sudden. In one month everything was over, before the illness could be diagnosed. We miss her at our family functions. She knew about everything under the sun. She, like our Ammachy knew every member of our family relatives, uncles, aunts, and cousins. We were supposed to have known those of our side. But, we were poor at it. Like Ammachy she was also strong and stoic in character. A vivid memory of Annamma Kochamma is the day she took me to Guruvayoor Little Flower College. She had started her teaching career in that college. After one year she joined MA College as Kothanmangalam was her native place. I accompanied her soon after my MA. She wanted to visit her old classmate and colleague who was a nun in the congregation. She had also an idea of looking for an appointment for me there. Meeting with Sr.Tessy was an eye-opener for me.
Though she talked to me only for a few minutes, the topic remains still vivid in my mind. It was when the Physical Directress joined us, as Annamma Kochamma was her colleague too. When she was introduced to me, I talked about my sports and games experience in college. Incidentally, I remarked that our Director in Charge of Physical Education was often difficult to be seen. It is a very comfortable job; no work is to be done! “saarinu nalla sukhamanu; oru paniyum illa.” Immediately Sr.Tessy retorted with a question, “Do you think that it is ‘comfortable to remain without doing our work?” ( avanavante joli cheyyathirikkunnathano sukham?) I blushed. Thereafter, I have never used that word in my life. What did I know about the work of people? Everybody will have his or her responsibility.
Whenever some occasions came I used to tell my students about this incident. This is a common remark among employees. Many were heard making this remark: ‘oru paniyum illa; nalla sukhama.’ (No work; quite comfortable). Sr. Tessy passed away long before Annamma Kochamma died. I never got an opportunity again to tell her how much I owed her for this simple but deep remark! It was an eye-opener indeed! Annamma Kochamma struggled a lot for her family, but never complained of anything. I gave her books to read as I had a very good collection of books, though I haven’t read everything. (Buying books was more of a passion for me. I hardly got time to read extra books when I was teaching for many more years even after retirement. I had accumulated books with the hope that I would be reading all these after my retirement.)She made some valid comments on the books she read. Some she returned without reading with the comment that it was filled with ‘yellow’ stuff and she couldn’t tolerate it. The last book she asked me for was Paulo Coelho’s The Alchemist. She told me that the priests often made references to this book in their speeches. I didn’t have this book in my collection as I hadn’t read it. I bought one copy for her and she returned it to me after reading it. Only recently, I read the book.
A third and unexpected loss in the family was that of my brother Babu. As my husband is also a Babu, I used to distinguish him by calling Brother Babu. As he was just senior to me by three years, we were at times ‘enemies’ as well as friends. We were together for most of the time in our childhood, youth, and college days and so, we were closer to each other than to my other siblings. They were too ‘grown up’ for us. We shared many joys, and hardships in the family. The farthest memory of our togetherness is when we were in Silent Valley. Some carpenter made a wooden cart with four wheels for us. We took turns in sitting on it and pulling it along by a coir rope. There was a single-wheeled metallic cart used to carry tea leaf in the estate(here in our place the cart is used to carry waste materials). Something like a shopping trolley. My brother Babu used to push me in the cart.
Then we had the permanent swing to sit and swing on. When in Silent Valley, Ammachy spread mattresses, pillows, etc. in the front courtyard on sunny days to warm them up, we jumped on them and played. It was bliss on such days when we felt the warmth of the sunlight mingled with slight coolness. I have already written about it. Another memory with Babu is the innumerable fight we had with each other. Ammachy had to intervene many times. She would say something like this on such occasions. “Nee chollu koduthu chola vangikkathe penne.” The idea is that ‘Don’t give a small pinch or something and get a big slap or so in return.’ As he was a boy, I was more at the receiving end. Ammachy would punish him for it, for sure, though she scolded me for raking a fight. Yet another vivid memory is that of dividing the pocket money between us. On every salary day, Appachen would give us a cloth bag of coins. It was our pocket money. I wonder, how he got this idea. We never asked for it, but, he gave it regularly and once it became a practice, we started looking forward to it. Then the multi-layered sweet delicacy Sreerengu gave us, we shared between us. I’ve already written about it.
A weird memory (At that time it did not seem weird at all!) was when we were sent from Munnar to Kottayam by bus. As Babu used to do many things beyond and over his age, Appachen and Ammachy must have trusted him with me. I must have been 8 or so. Babu was 11 or so. They had asked the driver and the conductor to take care of us. I think It was ‘Swaraj,’ a private bus. I don’t exactly remember the details. (Babu is not alive now to clarify my doubts. I regret that I couldn’t ask him anything. I started writing my memoirs in 2015. I had written six chapters or so. The next year I wrote only one more chapter. There happened a long gap. I resumed writing only in 2019 and 2020. He is no more now. ) I think when the bus reached Moovattupuzha it broke down. The driver and the conductor had forgotten to entrust us with the new driver and the conductor.
We were asked to get on to another bus. It was dark when we reached Kottayam. I remember we were a bit scared when we saw, it was getting dark and night. Where to go? Our original plan was to go to Ammachy’s younger sister, Chakkara Kochamma. As it was nine miles away and buses were not available at that time, it was not possible to go. We were discussing the matter, of whether to go to Veloor or Pallom. Veloor, where our paternal Uncle lived, would be difficult, where there was no bus at all. Pallom, where our paternal Aunt lived, would be easier as it was by the Main Central Road. So we decided to go to Pallom. A man sitting with us on the same seat was listening to our conversation—it must have been more a soliloquy on Babu’s part, I think, as I was too young and inexperienced in such matters to give any form of advice—he asked for details and told us that we should not risk going there at night. He had a relative nearby. He belonged to another place. Anyway, he was going to his relative’s home to stay during the night. We could also stay there and leave in the morning. He took us to that home. The building is still there at Pulimoodu Junction in Kottayam. Some flights of steps lead to that building. It must be an office now. There was an adjacent house in the same compound. We stayed there. He took us to a nearby hotel and bought us some food. I have a faint memory, the lady—in Chatta and Mundu, the traditional Christian woman’s dress– of the house didn’t seem to be very happy on seeing us. I think, the good man left in the morning before we woke up.
Another faint memory I have is, before we left the lady accused me of having taken her slide or clip or so, that I had no idea of it at all. Bad or bitter memories linger longer in our minds! How many times had this incident been narrated! How many times we spoke about that good man! Was he an angel? We couldn’t even thank him. How we wished to see him again! He might have belonged to Thrissur. I don’t exactly remember. Babu had a much better memory. If he were here, I could ask him! Whenever we talked about this incident, Babu used to speak about the ways in finding out the person. Should we advertise? Now only, while I am writing this on the 8th April of 2020 during the Corona lockdown, it has struck me, why we didn’t climb up those stairs to ask the people who were there about this angel of a man.
Our siblings wonder how Appachen and Ammachy dared to send us alone! Suppose it happened at present time! Can one think of such a thing even in the remotest corner of one’s mind? Think of the numerous kidnaps and rapes—the beggars’ mafia and kidney or organs mafia…! What a blessed world we were in! God was sufficiently graceful to protect us from all impending dangers and harm! Thank you, my dear Lord! Babu was my friend and companion in my college days also. Both of us were in Sports and Games. I played Hockey and Basket Ball. When we went for tournaments, sometimes T.J.Mathew Sir, our Physical Director, took Babu with us because he had complete trust in him. Moreover, Sir had a practice of allowing schoolboys to play against us in Basket Ball and three or four senior boys were selected by him to play with us in Hockey. Babu was also among them. They simply took the ball and passed it. But we had to run hard to keep pace with them. Incidentally, let me pause to remark on this practice. I think, maybe because of this practice our stamina increased considerably and we could win the Inter-Collegiate Trophy for Women’s Hockey for three consecutive years. It was a hat -trick!
We were often in financial constraints, and I even borrowed money from Babu at times. I wonder, how he managed to give me money. He was hard-working, faithful, and committed to his work and God amply rewarded him. He rose as high as the Chief Accountant of Pan Ocean Oil Company, an American Company. He worked selflessly for the whole family in many crucial situations. He helped many in need. He was very pious and church-going also. He was a staunch believer and very particular about church matters. He served in the Holy Qurbana services and taught in Sunday School. He had organized a “Balajana Sakhyam ” also in the neighbourhood when he was young. He used to act in drama, and even wrote a novel, though it was lost. I wish he were living now! It would be a selfish desire. He must be enjoying the bliss of Paradise!
Recently another sad loss occurred in the family. Johnychayan, Mollychechy’s husband, who was also a second cousin to my husband, had been ailing for the past few months. He passed away on the 30th of January, 2022. He was a man of many virtues. P.C. John was his official name. He was the youngest in a family of six children. His father died when he was small. He was trained in Dehradun Military Academy, did a course in AMIE, and served as a Flight Engineer for VIP flights with IAF till the Indo- Pak war. Then he joined the Indian Oil Company and was appointed in various states in various roles till his service as Joint Director in Bombay from where he left for Qatar National Navigation as Operations Manager. He was a man with foresight and farsight. On the sixth day after their marriage– he was in Madras at that time– as soon as they reached Madras he took Mollychechy to Stella Matutina College of Education for taking admission for B.T. He used to say that he was not particular about Mollychechy working, but if some emergency occurred, she should be qualified enough to work and earn money. She took an additional Post-graduate Diploma Certificate in the English Language from CIEFL Hyderabad when he was there. She taught in Mangalore, Bombay, and Qatar. Being the eldest son-in-law in the family, he got a special role in our family. Joychayan and he wanted me to write for IAS. So I appeared for it once, immediately after my MA without much preparation, though I was not interested in it. He got me admission for Journalism and Public Relations at Bharatiya Vidhya Bhavan, Ernakulam, and I stayed with them at their Panampilly Nagar residence and attended the classes. However, I could not complete the course as I got appointed as a Junior Lecturer in English at Catholicate College, Pathanamthitta. His loss adds to the sorrows of the family!
