I was surprised to hear what Seena said. She had just dropped into our home while returning from her relatives’ house nearby. But she expressed her desire to visit me for a long time. Seena mentioned the matter during our conversation. It was evident that she deliberately wanted to talk about it.
“Prakash is a good man. He does not smoke; does not drink alcohol He likes me a lot, and buys me a lot of things. But he looks gloomy many a time. When I ask for the reason for his unhappiness, he will always say there is nothing. But I don’t believe in what he says. I’m sure that there must be a reason.”
I have also noticed his unhappy mood while in our department. I also felt that Prakash was deeply wounded at heart. But as I thought that Seena’s worry would increase, I did not mention it.
“He has not yet told me a bad word.” Seena went on to say. “He will ask for my wishes and will go to lengths to fulfil them. But…somehow, I feel that I do not occupy the first place in his heart.” Seena looked downcast.
“Eh… No. It must be your mere feeling. If he does not have you in the first place in his heart, who else can occupy it?”
“I don’t know, Madam. I feel so because of so many matters. Sometimes I feel that he does things just for the sake of it. When he sits gloomily at times, I feel so sad and bad. Madam, please try to find out the reason for his sadness.”
“Me? If he doesn’t tell Seena, will he confide in me?”
“I’m sure. He will tell you. Because he has great regard for Madam. So, I believe, he will.”
“Prakash has a poetic heart, hasn’t he? Such people will have sorrows without any specific reason.” I said by way of comforting Seena.
“I don’t think this is that kind of sorrow. Most often, he sits quietly. Though he tries to laugh and talk happily whenever he sees me, I always feel that there is sadness behind every demonstration of happiness. Something is haunting him, I’m sure.”
“I will try to make it out, Seena. But my question is, if Prakash is a good husband to you, is there any need to pester your mind with unnecessary thoughts?”
“But… Still… I feel like knowing it, Madam.”
“It must be some of his personal sorrows. I think you need not try to unearth it and make him more unhappy. Gradually, he will come back to his original self. Especially, when a child is born to you…”
Seena’s face reddened.
“Anyway, don’t worry, Seena. Prakash is a gentleman. A perfect person! A gem of a man. He has character. You can trust him. He will never forsake you. Seena, you are fortunate in getting such a person as your husband.”
Once again, a spark on Seena’s face!
After Seena left, I thought more about that matter. Prakash’s and my sorrowful mood have become the reason for innocent laughter in the department several times.
It was Thomas Abraham sir who often catches us red-handed. Once when he found Prakash sitting gloomily, he spoke out, “This is what I hate. See the way he sits and looks. Is life to be wasted in this way? What will our “Pappaji” say when after living long here, we reach above without even bursting out into laughter? Have you ever thought about it? He will say, ‘Prakash, I know not you. When I gave you light, you sought darkness. When I gave you happiness, you simply tapped it away. Go…Go… Go and step down into the eternal darkness.” When Thomas Abraham Sir spoke dramatically with gestures as though a quote from the Bible, there broke out loud peals of laughter in the department.
Then he continued. “Here we have two poets.” He cast meaningful glances at Prakash and me. We must chuck them away from this room. Otherwise, they will soak us in abysmal sorrow.”
“See my philosophy of life. Nobody should persist longer in unhappiness.” He continued with pretended gravity of expression. “Do you think, only these people have sorrows to weep over in life? Don’t we have problems? Don’t I have any problem? Maybe, I have a reason to weep over all my life. Still, do I cry? Do I make others miserable on account of it?” When he spoke these with his characteristic gestures and signs, everybody in the department nodded their heads. Some others also took the trail of conversation.
When we enquired about the reason for Thomas Abraham Sir’s reason for lifelong sorrow, we came to know the bitter truth. Among his two children, one girl’s arms and legs are disabled from birth. We have never seen him feeling worried about it at least for once. So, most of us had not known about it. It is his philosophy of life…
“You should laugh and laugh. Life is not to be spent crying and crying. When people see us laugh, they will also laugh. If we weep, others will feel restless. So, to laugh is only social justice.”
He then recited two lines from an old song. “We will die even if we laugh or do not laugh. Then why don’t we laugh?”
Yes, I do know. But now, Seena’s need….
Prakash is a good man. He is decent. He is loving. But she wants to know the reason for his occasional sadness. She is pained at the thought that she does not occupy the first place in his heart.
Should we look for the unseen evil beyond the seen virtue?
Very often, life is lived or struggled to live looking for the unseen goodness, isn’t it so?
If Roy had looked sad, I could have asked him for the reason. It is difficult to approach him freely when he looks and talks harshly, prepared to explode at any moment. What is my place in his heart? Once upon a time, I had occupied the most important place in his heart. But now—Am I given any place there; it is doubtful.
Reason?
My degree; qualification?
My job?
I am not yet proficient in cooking.
I do not know, even now, how to move among the ‘big shots’ in society.
I cannot even dance and indulge in merry-making with loud peals of laughter during picnics.
If anybody could say, ‘I love you with all your limitations… with all your imperfections…’
(Cont’d)
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