Weeks and months passed away quickly during my studies and part-time work. Shalini’s studies and Prasad’s work were also in the same University. Mon had joined in kindergarten.
Most of the time I got myself absorbed in reading. In the initial six months, I found it hard to concentrate on my studies and work. Roy’s memory haunted me continually. Gradually, I learned to put a rein on my wayward thoughts and memories. When I concentrated on books, I felt as though I had forgotten all my grief. Even otherwise I had no time to recollect the old unhappy memories. A total change! My mind felt a renewed enthusiasm. My heart which had been cloudy for long opened to light. There was some clarity in my mind that had been gloomy for years. I could talk and laugh open-heartedly. The atmosphere was hearty and pleasing to my mind. Prasad’s Shalu was loving. She also had the love and respect that Prasad had for me in the same measure. There was no place for jealousy and spite as they had been contented in themselves. I remembered our Pappa and Mummy when I saw their behaviour and bonding with each other. It turned into a frightening memory for me.
It may be a superstition. But it was a common saying. A perfect love, a complete affection will not last…Pappa and Mummy…. on the same day…
It was a horrid memory. I hid it and once I remarked casually as a joke.
“Prasad, you should fight with Shalini occasionally.”
He laughed aloud and asked, “Why, Chechy, you long to see us fighting? Roychayan is not here for you to quarrel with!”
Then he added, “Chechy, you listen to me. I don’t want to live for a fraction of a second by fighting. Even if we are to live for just one day, I want to live fully. What is the use in living like wild animals ready to tear each other?”
Vinod mon also had changed for the better. He became smart and grew up like the darling of his Mummy, Uncle, and Aunt. ‘Pappa’ had become a forgotten nightmare to him.
Despite my happiness, I could not forget Roy at all.
Can any woman forget her husband?
When I am far away, I can only remember Roy with sympathy.
As though the spite I had towards Roy had melted away.
But Roy has not sent any reply to my letters.
My colleagues sent me their reply. I came to know from Prakash’s letter that my assumption was right.
Roy had come to the Airport. Though Prakash greeted him with a ‘Hello’, he looked at him sharply got into the car, and went away. Later he tried to meet Roy one or two times, he evaded him.
The news had ploughed my mind hard. I hardly remember, how much time and how many days I was tormented by the thought.
What was the feeling that prompted Roy to come to the Airport at the last moment?
How many letters did I send him? He could have replied to at least one of them. Prasad had objected to my writing to Roy.
“Why do you write to that man, Chechy? He will not improve himself. That chapter is over. Chechy, you forget about him.”
How like an insignificant thing he made his comment! But is it a chapter I can close it as simply as this? Is Roy a person who can be forgotten in that manner?
Whatever it is, he is my husband whom I had loved once. Even now, don’t I love him? Why? Is it because I am his wife? Or because, it was my duty? Is it because he is the father of my child? At times, the thought that I should go back was intense in me. But how can I go back?
Roy has not called me…
I saw Valsa on that day at the Airport in Bombay. She embraced me and broke into tears.
“Premi! Did we ever think about these happenings while we were happily studying? I feel ashamed of Roychayan. To think that he is my brother is a disgrace to me. I will never go home. I don’t have such a brother as he. “Valsa had told me that day.
I understood from Valsa’s letters. She did not go to Kerala during the next holiday. Why should I go? Whom to see? Roychayan has become a total drunkard with no sense. Suresh had gone there once. He advised Roychayan. No use.
Weekend celebrations and other programmes were in plenty to spend time. Initially, I had no interest in such things. Gradually I started spending my time with Prasad and Shalu.
Vinod was in high spirits on such occasions. Sometimes Prasad and Shalu would run around the lake. Vinod would burst out laughing when he saw it. He would also try to run after them. Whenever I saw Prasad and Shalu happily celebrating each occasion I would feel a mother-like love and happiness in it. I was reminded of our childhood days when we made paper boats and enjoyed floating them in rainwater pools. My mind would roam around the meadows of memory in an exhilarating mood. The sweet memories of our childhood that would never come back. Pearls in the caskets of memory.
During some weekends, Jim Johnson would also accompany us. He was a professor and Prasad’s colleague. American. He was also a good painter. Sometimes he would come with his canvas, brushes, paints, etc. He would fix the stand near the lake and would start drawing. Vinod would also join him with his brush and paints. On seeing his interest in painting and drawing, Jim gifted him with a set of materials for painting. Jim was more interested in capturing the beauty of nature. I wondered whether the interest was because of his subject Botany. Sometimes he would draw pictures of people. Once he drew Vinod’s portrait. He found it interesting. He also drew Jim’s picture. Jim looked at his own picture with curiosity and commented:
“I’m glad that I strongly resemble our ancient ancestors.” All of us burst out laughing. Vinod was confused. When it was explained, he also found it funny.
Once Jim asked me whether he could draw my picture. I hesitated and looked at Prasad confused. He nodded. Then he drew my picture also. While he showed me my picture, he touched my eyes in the painting with the tip of his brush and said:
“I don’t like this…this sorrow in your eyes.”
I turned pale.
A few days later, what he said without any introduction shocked me.
“I love you. Will you marry me?”
Should I get married again? Another husband when my husband was alive? I shuddered at the thought.
Seeing my shock, Jim added.
“I talked the matter with Prasad. I know all your story. It does not matter. Forget everything. If you can love me, we will get married. We can celebrate our life happily in a most incredible way.
I told him that I had a husband. I could not think of another husband and another marriage.
You are separated, aren’t you? Jim.
Not legally, of course, he said.
“Please do not talk to me about a marriage. I am not in a mental state.” I pleaded.
“All right. I will not hurry you. I have been waiting long for a woman whom I could trust and love. I am ready to wait for more time.”
Jim’s voice sounded firm.
While I was confused as to whether to tell Prasad about Jim’s proposal, Prasad opened the conversation on the topic.
“What was your reply, Chechy?”
I repeated the reply I gave Jim.
“Jim is a good man. I like him. I’m really happy about this alliance.”
“Prasad!” My call was in shock.
“Why Chechy?”
“What do you say? I cannot even think of another marriage. I am not that much cruel to abandon Roy and marry another person.”
“Is this cruelty on your part, Chechy? How did Roychayan treat you? Wasn’t it cruel? It is one year since you came here. Did he have the heart to send a reply to any of your letters? It is a closed chapter. Chechy, you need not think about that episode at all.”
“You can easily say it. How can I forget him?”
“I am leaving it to your decision. I will not compel you. You can decide after thinking about it.”
The whole night my thoughts circled round the subject.
One more marriage. That is not even in the wildest of my imagination. I don’t have any thrill in it. A married life once more. Become a wife once again. My heart is not fit for such things. My sole aim is Vinod mon. I must make him grow and great.
(Cont’d)
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